Caption: WARNING: THE FOLLOWING FILM MAY CONTAIN CONTENT THAT COULD POTENTIALLY SHOCK OR DISGUST SOME VIEWERS.
Narrator (V.O.): Geeks, Nerds, Dweebs, and Dorks. We know them by many names, but ultimately they are all the same: Roleplayers! In this chilling documentary, we will take you inside the dark and curious world of their lives, (if you could call them that).
Our journey begins with an examination of what roleplaying really is.
CUT TO STREET. (maybe long establishing, of possibly different street, with Koper skateboarder)
Narrator: What do you know about roleplaying?
Possibly some actual street footage, then
Tourist (alone): What? I don’t speak German. (looks at a travel guide book). What? Where are we? Did not the plane was to land in Berlin? Let’s go Franz! (queue running away screaming)
Lawyer Freak (in one breath): An instance or situation in which one deliberately assumes a particular character in order to participate in imaginary adventuring or social situations in which dice are used to manipulate reality. This activity is organized and run by a referee, commonly referred to as a Game or Dungeon Master who controls the activities of those entities not represented by players.
Narrator (backing away): Riiiiight
Scot: Aye, ‘tis a bonnie thing, but it’s not oatmeal!
“Random” interviewee 1: Roleplaying? Why that’s when all them kids worship the devil and sacrifice eachother to demonic spirits of hell. Right?
Narrator: Well, that’s only a half truth… (cut to hallway outside of room) This is the office of (looks at sign on the door) Dr. Rutabaga Sicdexlia, professor of technical psychojargon at Limburger University. He has been conducting extensive research on roleplayers for ten years.
Walks into office to see prof. Reading porn and sniffing flour
Prof: (admiring porn, looking at it from different angles; abruptly putting it away, clearing up flour) What are you doing here? Who are you? Ummm… come in. You’re… early (long pause) the real professor will be here shortly (getting up slowly) I’ll be right back. Um, I mean no, I’ll get him for you. Because I’m not him. (hurries away; comes back with fake nose thing)
(cut)
Prof: (switching between accents) Jawohl, I haf been stoodying, zeese, how do you say, roleplayers, und I haf comm to sum fairy preposterous conclusations. Zee hear. I vill nau produce zees official looking documents.
Shot of narrator looking very impressed and enlightened
Narrator: tell us a bit about your research.
Prof: mmm jes, vell, ve take zee roleplayers und zen ve haf conducted extensive testings, to test such tings az handt I coordination skills, fine motor skills, langvage skills, problem solving skills, und uzzer types uf skillful skills. (retardedly easy obstacle course being carried out by bored, puzzled roleplayers, flashcards with basic words being shown to roleplayers) To enkurraj partissipashin, I employed a system of rewards und punischmendt.(electric shock thing doritos) After zees extensive experrimints, I notissed several surprising things.. zee first vas a startling, almost human level of intelligence. Ozzer human traits, such as zee opposable thumb und upright fucking pozzition vehr also observved. (picture of people walking)But zee most desturbing sing uf all vas zee stranje obseshun viss zee devill.
(in office, prof shows roleplayer a picture of the devil)
Prof: Tell me, vehnn you look at zees pictschure vat do yoo see?
Roleplayer: uhhh.. the devil.
Prof. Looks very afraid, he drops picture and crosses himself, stands up and backs away.
(Back in profoffice)
Prof: Zice, ass you can see iz fairy disturbing indeed. (possible subtitles for austrian guy)
Narrator: Over the years, there have been many stories of roleplayers being involved in occult and satanic activities, sometimes putting their fictional identities over their real ones. We sent a film crew to discover the truth about what really happens during roleplaying games. What we discovered was more disturbing than we could have possibly imagined. We’ll give you the facts … after a message from our sponsers.
(cut)
Narrator: sick of high advertising costs? I know I am. With how much I pay to advertise my home business, I could have put my kid through college. (But) unfortunately there aren’t any alternatives. Well damn. Sorry Billy. (crushed by 10 ton weight with reversed nike swoosh, and perhaps words: just dü it)
(cut)
Narrator: Well we’re back. To Uncover the truth about roleplaying. A crew was sent to film a roleplaying session in progress. This footage has not been tampered with in any way. Watch and you will be as shocked as we were.
(caption: professional roleplayers, closed course)
Croc: G’Day mates! I have been sent here today to check in on the rarest of rare species upon this planet. Well, they aren’t really that rare, but they do tend to hide themselves away from society. Anyhoo, let’s get on with the show, and show you how these beasts really are in their own habitat, and how to recognise them when they walk amongst you. Let’s see if we can find our animal.
Walking cautiously down stairs… harkens to sound of voices and rolling dice.
Croc: You ear that? You hear that??? My god! They’re here… that’s them, although I shouldn’t dare to be this close! Let’s see if we can’t get closer…
Now you gotta be careful with these guys or they might take a big chunk right outta your arm. These are the most POISONOUS humans in the WORLD. Their bites can poisonous or even deadly! Let’s see if I can grab this one, so we can all get a closer look.
Grabs player 1 by neck, and arm and presents him for inspection.
Player 1: what the Hell..?.. ..? ¿?
Croc: Look here! Let’s get the camera in a little closer.. see this? He’s even got dice in his hand!
Player 1: Man, let go of me! Ow, that hurts…
Croc: This is a marvellous male example of the species, although he is a short one.
Player 1: hey! Don’t call me… OWW!!! That hurts!!
Croc: Well, I can see that I’m disturbing him, so I’ll let this little guy loose.
Player 1: Sheesh!
Croc: Wow, that was amazing! Quite an experience. It’s so great to be here interacting with the wildlife… Why don’t we sit here and watch them in their natural environment?
Scene: Someone’s basement, moody dark with table, mayonnaise jar filled with pudding, Doritos, mountain dew, pizza boxes, roleplayers, tons of books, dice, general roleplaying paraphernalia, and a pentagram. Do not feed stereotypes sign.
DM: You are crawling through the zombie tomb of doom, you are up to your elbows in the stench of death, which is writhing up your nostrils. The light of your torch echoes eerily off the walls. Suddenly, seven zombies shamble lurchingly around the corner, raking at your exposed flesh with their exposed claws. (rolls dice for a while) Balkazar Monsterslayer, the claws cut deeply into your flesh. You fall to the ground, dead.
Player 1: n..n…nnnnn… nooooooouuu
Player stands up, backs away, knocking his chair over, turns to run, but other players at a sign from DM quickly move to intercept him. They grab him, tackle him, and drag him screaming into an adjoining room. BEAT. Player remerges from the room, grabs a baseball bat and re-enters, closing the door firmly behind him. Beating of player ensues, screams of pain and loud crashing noises. Players re-emerge spattered in blood (ketchup) set down baseball bat, sit down… resume playing unperturbed. Eat mayonnaise.
Player 2: So where were we?
DM: Balkazar was just slain by a zombie
Player 3: I take his money.
Player 4: Ya know, I hear some people don’t like eating straight mayonnaise. They eat it on bread and in sandwiches
Players: ewwwwww
DM: I guess they don’t have the stomach for it.
Pan over to biologist sitting at desk.
Biologist: That’s quite true indeed, you see, roleplayers have evolved a superior digestive tract capable of sustaining them for years at a time on nothing but pizza, Doritos and Mountain Dew, although if a shortage of mountain dew arises, other less nutritious carbonated sodas will suffice. They have also lost all of their social skills. This has alienated their entire female population, causing them to take refuge among human beings. This in turn caused a massive wave of depression and binge eating amoung the males, making over 90% of their population to be extremely obeise by the age of 20. Without these tragic difficulties, they would most likely have replaced the human race as the dominant species on the planet! (turn to camera 2) These and many other differences are what distinguishes the roleplayer from the human being. It is important to be able to tell the difference because, as my esteemed colleague, Dr. Rutabaga Sicdexlia discovered, roleplayers, or Homo Sapiens Stultior, have an overpowering desire to worship the devil. (turn to camera 3) (Shows diagrams and charts with irrelevant data on them) These charts explain the complex and startling thought processes of these majestic but misguided beasts. You can see that the basic survival instinct is not as pronounced as the apparent need for ritual sacrifice and totem worship.
Narrator: Fascinating! (turns to camera) From this new information we can extrapolate that the roleplayer situation is dire for both sides, not just for us and our children. The roleplayers face the prospect of extinction with each new generation. On the other hand, (looks at hand, acts surprised) there are fingers.
Caption: We are currently experiencing technical difficulties. Please stand by.
Deep Voice: And now a word from the writers!
James: B-words… Bulbous Bouffant, blubber, bicycle, Bob Barney, biomicrospectroscopy
Damon: Remember the bun incident?
James: Oh yeah, b’s are out…, “well I haven’t heard anything from you” type thing
Damon: Silent letter words incandescent,
James: No silent letters argument
Damon: but they sound romantic
James: They’re horrible! It’s like they’re there but not there
Damon: “What does it matter, they won’t be reading it anyway…”
James: “What’s your point?”
Damon: “Phbbt!” alright two syllables at most, maybe three, but short ones. We want a word short enough that it doesn’t confuse the audience, but long enough it doesn’t insult their intelligence
James: What intelligence? Oh. Are we on? (covers camera with hand(with fingers on it))
Deep Voice: Uh… We’ll get back to you about that.
(cut)
Other Narrator: And so we emerge from the other end of the tunnel, armed with a new sense of security and superiority. I hope that it has spurred you all to take immediate action about the issue that the film was pertaining to. I know I will take immediate action about that subject!
Making of.
-Sappy reminiscence on project and how deep The Experience was
-One person crying and hugging the reporter for consolation
-Jeremy complaining about how unprofessional the whole thing was “it was almost like there wasn’t a director at all!”, then clip of him messing up the script and the cameraman puts down camera, starts yelling, and puts him through table.
-Gimp fight
-bloopers, of course (lawyer freak particularly probably)
-crackflour
-threatening extra about non-disclosure agreement
-“…oh so basically youre calling all of us geeks, letting the whole school in on that fact and then trying to make us look even more dumb because they wont give a rats ass about society? … but hell what does it matter, if you need anything Ill be shining my dice… well no cuz i dont have dice… ill probably just be sitting alone in the corner with my flour and porn …”
-Jeremy Blanchard (2001)
(20 seconds)
Making of the making of.
-Thrown off building
-Someone getting kicked in the groin
-people laughing intermittently at guy who tripped
-jar spoon
Credits.
-“No roleplayers were harmed in the making of this film.” Crack. “One very annoying roleplayer was harmed in the making of this film.”
-Not include Brian
-catering provided unknowingly by: a grocery store, a file, and a backpack
-All complaints should be sent to: *address*
Then
Deep Voice: And now, finally, a word from the writers
James & Damon: Potato (different pronunciation)
James: Potayto
Damon: Potatto
James: Oh yeah? (gimp fight with Chris and Phil in another location)
Ideas that never progressed beyond the planning stage
-Roleplaying Guru on mountain
-Retired role player with a bunch of scars, who has a little trouble distinguishing from his character and real life.
-Adrian as internet roleplayer on intravenus. “now I don’t have to go outside ever…”
-Matt as hack n’ slasher, then he gets killed